Bada Bing: Off-season Offers We Can Refuse

by Ivette Ricco, President of Femmefan.com

March 9, 2004

The last few weeks have been devoid of any good sex and violence on HBO. That is until the "family" made its return to Sundays. Tony Soprano, that bad boy with the mischievous grin and the non-stop libido is the complex anti-hero. Yet, there is something very intoxicating about him. Women know he's bad news, but there is an element of danger and excitement about this chubby, balding, tough guy.

So, it is in real life. Bad boys are hard to handle, but damn it, we want to try and tame those bad boys. Nothing says s-e-x like b-a-d. His "ex" Carmela, may not be opening her arms for Tony, but he gets plenty of attention from the ladies. It looks like Carmela has taken off a few pounds, and is checking out the inventory now that she's a "single" woman. But, I doubt she's gotten over Tony. Bad boy, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Tony, Paulie, Christopher and Junior, welcome back. I need the sex and violence on Sundays and the Sopranos are a worthy replacement during the NFL off-season.

March Madness for me is the madness of watching boring sports. I know, baseball, basketball, hockey and NASCAR fans, you don't agree. But your sports just don't do it for me. If it isn't professional football, well then you can just, fughetaboutit!

But there is still plenty of great off-season drama. There's no shortage of backstabbing, double crossing, and insider trading, and I don't mean Martha Stewart.

In the absence of NFL football, I replace game news with sports folly.

This off-season hasn't disappointed:

TO is PO'd

Listen, do you hear the organ music? Can you smell the elephants? Can you almost taste the cotton candy?

Are you ready to laugh at the clowns and get frightened to death by the huge tigers?

No, it's not Barnum and Bailey come to town; it's the Terrell Owens Three Ring Circus.

Not only did the buffed wide receiver get left to twist in the wind by his agent's calendar faux pas, but then the Forty Niners traded him away to the Ravens. The Ravens, possibly one of the worst offensive teams in the NFL. The Ravens where he can catch the ball from Kyle Boller, or watch as Jamal Lewis (if he stays out of jail) run the ball downfield for thousands of yards. I can just see TO now, running downfield for the ball, only to have to block for Jamal. How many touchdowns can TO catch for the Ravens? Better get the Sharpie, Pom-Poms, and Cell Phone ready for the few and far between scoring moments.

Surely this wasn't what TO expected in his first venture into the free agent market.

The Niners took the better offer, a second round draft pick from the Ravens, and not the fifth round pick with a little Thrash thrown in the Eagles were offering, and said "thanks for the memories TO, not so sorry to see you go". But TO wants to be an Eagle. The Eagles offered TO a more lucrative deal, and the opportunity to catch the ball from Donovan McNabb. TO has appealed the trade and didn't report to the Ravens for the mandatory physical.

Gene Upshaw President of the NFL player's association has conceded that TO's agent made a mistake by not meeting the free agent filing deadline. So the next step is to take the whole mess and let the legal eagles decide whether or not TO got "played" by the Niners. The NFL says the deal is done, TO and the players' association, want to give TO another chance at free agency. Life's just a cabaret old chum.

We wait eagerly to see which bird he will ultimately become, an Eagle or a Raven. After all the Niners gave him the biggest bird of all. Send in the clowns.

Keyshawn and Galloway - Trading Places -
Me-shawn couldn't have been happier, he was getting his wish, to play for Bill Parcells. In exchange the Bucs would get wide receiver Joey Galloway. But in true Me-shawn drama-filled-life style, the deal has hit a snag. Joey Galloway isn't playing along with everyone and wants to renegotiate his contract before going to the Bucs. So Me-shawn has to wait it out, for now.

Garcia - Adios Niners, Hello Browns - Couch "Ouch"
Jeff Garcia found a new home in Cleveland, and Tim Couch the Browns' 1999 first round pick is going to hit the bricks. Jeff Garcia, a Canadian League refuge was sent packing, for salary cap reasons by the "fiscally responsible" Niners. Tim Couch was offered a reduced salary, and a bus ticket out of town by the Browns. The fans in Cleveland will enjoy Jeff Garcia's style of play, but let's hope he remains healthy, because at 34, Jeff's body can't take too many more big hits.

Baseball - Barry - BALCO - Boring
So Barry Bonds may have taken steroids! Wow that's a shocker. I thought his muscles and home runs were all due to good eating and exercise. You mean that Jason Giambi, and Mark McGwire were juiced? You must be kidding. How long has this been going on? Will home run records cease to be broken? Will the National Pastime survive yet another hit? Is a new era in baseball about to start? Can you say BALCO?

2004 Summer Olympics
The news out of Greece is that American athletes better not bend over! America's Olympic athletes will not be residing in the Olympic Village. A sure sign there is danger in the air. With the increased focus on steroids, the questionable integrity of certain Olympic Committee officials and America's less than favorable image in Europe, our young athletes have a rough road ahead of them in the 2004 Olympic Games. Keep the faith America, and wish these young athletes well.

The Janet Jackson Boob Thriller
Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the shower, Janet Jackson states that her boob display really was a costume malfunction. Come on Janet, give it a break; you've milked this mammary for all it's worth.

A-Rod and the Boston Curse
Babe Ruth move over, your curse is getting some stiff competition from the A-Rod trade. The historic rivalry between Boston and New York has been taken to another level, and the most exciting thing in baseball is this off-season trade. Now that Boston fan Ben Affleck and Bronx girl JLo are no more, all-good Yankee and Boston fans can go back to hating each other with renewed vigor.

Martha Stewart - Living - In an orange Jumpsuit, brought to you by K-Mart.
Martha Stewart, found guilty of insider trading, and crimes against humanity? What she was really guilty of was poor judgment, a poorly run defense, and perhaps some celebrity arrogance. But look on the bright side Martha fans, I think the guys and gals in the slammer could benefit from a few of Martha's dining tips. And Martha will surely overhaul the entire kitchen and set new standards for the inmates' holiday celebrations. In a year or so, Martha will have a whole new line of clothing based on the classic orange jumpsuit.. You go girl.

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