Holiday Eating Tips
December 15, 2004
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door,
where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point ofgravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour
it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.
Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in
an effort to control your eating. The whole point
of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when
you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and
that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape
and size of Santa, position yourself near them and
don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming
the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have
a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebrator calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally
worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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