It's no secret that there are only about 500-700 actual Yankees fans in New York City. The rest are the usual "only when they're winning" frontrunners, disenchanted Mets fans, and guys in muscle T-shirts whose reconditioned Thunderbirds weren't enough, so they had to throw in a few Derek Jeter tickets to close the deal with the big-haired waitress at their uncle's pizzeria.

I'm sure many of the fans at Yankee Stadium for Game 7 against Boston were probably the type that, let's just say, don't have a unyielding grasp on team history that dates before 1996. They don't know Mickey Rivers from the Hudson River. Tommy John? "That's the guy with the surgery, right?" They think Righetti and Pagliarulo are things you toss in a light cream sauce.

I don't necessarily begrudge bandwagon Yankees fans. I've actually been one.twice. The first time was in 1998, when the Padres visited the Bronx in Game 1 of the World Series. My friend Scrote (don't ask) secured some tickets.in the bleachers. Fearing violent recourse if I was outed as a Mets fan during the game - and for the sake of social experimentation - I donned one of Scrote's Yanks jerseys and watched the game with the raucous bleacher creatures. At one point, a San Diego fan had the chutzpa to raise up her cell phone and ask the creatures to cheer to her friend on the left coast. She was then pelted with anything that wasn't bolted down (including, tragically, a few full cups of $7 stadium beer).

The second time was during this year's ALCS. While the rest of the world unofficially joined Red Sox Nation to loathe the Yankees, I was rooting hard against the BoSox. I'll get to why in a moment. But for the first three games of the Series, as a pseudo-Yankees fan, I felt a twinge of that swagger most bandwagon fans must feel every championship season. You feel tied to an overwhelming sense of history. You feel like you belong to a collective, something greater than the individual. You feel like part of an Empire, evil or otherwise.

I guess this is why some independent voters lean Republican.

By the end of the series (the 8th inning of Game 7 to be exact), I couldn't help but take some glee in seeing the Yankees humiliated like they were. Because it wasn't just blowing a 3-0 series lead; it was blowing a 3-0 series lead because the bats their war chest paid for weren't swinging, and the arms they never bothered to buy cost them a trip to the World Series.

It's one thing for New York to get beaten on the field; it's another thing for it to get beaten in the boardroom.

Still, I wasn't pleased with the Red Sox winning. I don't want them to win the World Series. Don't reverse the curse. As my fingers hit the keyboard, I don't know who will be facing Boston in the championship round; I do know that I'm going to squeeze onto their bandwagon and keep with my Boston-bashing.

I don't like fans with a sense of entitlement. I think Red Sox fans think they're owed a World Series ring, and I just don't get that. Why? Because the Yankees have been so good in the last decade? Or because being a "long-suffering" Boston fan has become so cliché in this country that the curse has to be lifted, just to end this stupid trend? When the credit card companies start making commercials about your quirky little hex, the voodoo has officially jumped the shark.

(Rhetorical question: If ESPN wasn't in Bristol, would its coverage of the Red Sox be less intense?)

Red Sox fans think they're owed something, just like Maple Leafs fans and Philadelphia Eagles fans. (My SportsFan Magazine partner in crime Pete Sweigard disputes that Eagles fans feel entitled to a title. All I know is that on the way back from Jersey last weekend, I heard a hip-hop song on a Philly station that used the "Theme from Rocky" and name-checked all the Eagles players from David Akers to Brian Westbrook. If it's Week 6 and you already have your own Super Bowl Shuffle, you're begging for karma to come kick you in the ass.)

Besides, "1918" is just such a wonderful concept, it's hard to let it go. (I still lament the day the hockey world lost the immortal "1940" chant when the Ranger$ won the Cup in 1994.) Baseball has plenty of teams that don't win the World Series. The Cubs, for example, just suck; but the Red Sox are truly cursed, and that's what makes them so compelling.

So if they win the World Series, what then? You're going to hear "I can finally die a happy man" uttered in Boston more than "pass the tartar sauce" over the next two weeks. The mystique, the attraction, the appeal of Boston's plight.gone. The circle will be complete. The Zombie Babe Ruth will finally close his eyes and drift off into the afterlife.

No one will give a damn about the Red Sox anymore.

So obviously, there's only one logical course of action if the Sox take the Series:

Contract them.

It's never going to get better than coming back from 3-0 in the ALCS and eliminating the Yankees in the most historic rally in the history of sports. Let me reiterate that last part: ELIMINATING THE YANKEES. It's never going to get better than that moment when Red Sox fans realize that the curse has been lifted. That decades of yearning have been fulfilled. That 1918 will finally go back to simply being the year the Sedition Act was passed by Congress.

Win the World Series, and the Red Sox are irrelevant. Look at recent history. Susan Lucci, post-Emmy? Persona non grata. The New York Ranger$, post-Stanley Cup? The NHL actually locked out its players this fall to avoid a seventh straight playoff season without a game played in Madison Square Garden.

So contract Boston. Break up the Sox. Wouldn't Pedro look great in Dodger blue again? The Royals sure could use a guy like Jason Varitek. And if Manny's going to get 700 home runs one day, shouldn't he be in Colorado next season? Just think: Theo Epstein would now be free to jump to the Cubs and end their misery with his Harry Potter G.M. magic.

Fenway Park? Turn it into a museum dedicated to the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox. Paint a giant mural on the Green Monster of Curt Schilling hugging Johnny Damon. Have an ongoing exhibit on the Heimlich Maneuver, so visiting Yankee fans can learn what to do if their team goes up 3-0 in the playoffs again.

Do Boston fans really want this season, 30 years down the line, to just be a faded memory of Tim Wakefield knucklers, David Ortiz heroics, and 50,000 "Who's Your Daddy?" T-shirts stuffed in some Staten Island landfill? Or do they want 2004 to be The Year The Sox Won It All, And Then Decided To Walk Away As Champions?

It's something neither Michael Jordan nor Sugar Ray Leonard was able to do.

So show some class, Boston and MLB.

Win, and then call it a franchise.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Andre Agassi said he's skeptical about using fashion models in sexy outfits instead of ballboys at the Madrid Masters tournament.

While the ladies are able to complete all the necessary tasks the position demands, Agassi said he feels as though he's been extending a bit on his serve.

Val Ackerman is stepping down as president of the WNBA after eight years. No truth to the rumor that she failed the only mandatory test related to the renewal of her contract: Naming all the teams that made the WNBA playoffs last season.

Sports' highest court ruled this week that gymnast Paul Hamm will be able to hang on to his gold medal, despite the lingering controversy about judging in the men's gymnastics Summer Olympic finals in Athens.

In a related ruling, the court said the U.S. men's basketball team is legally allowed to keep its crushing humiliation.

Teresa Heinz-Kerry goofed again this week, casting doubt in an interview that First Lady Laura Bush had ever "had a real job" since she's been "grown up."

Heinz-Kerry was quick to apologize, explaining that she actually meant Bush's husband.

CRAPPY BOWL GAME NAME ALERT: The Tangerine Bowl announced this week that it is changing its name to the Champs Sports Bowl, after the mall-centric athletic clothing retailer.

So assuming we follow the rule from dropping the first name of any sponsored bowl name (see Nokia Sugar or Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl), is this now the Sports Bowl?

Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets was cited for pot possession while boarding the team plane last week.

In a related story, the Portland TrailBlazers have begun clearing cap room.

And finally:

"Now just hold on one second there. It's not just asshole.it's insufferable asshole. Get it right." ### Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.

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