The Jester’s Quart: Star Wars, Doom and Fisher DeBerry

What do those three things have in common? Nothing, until you read columnist Greg Wyshynski’s random musings on the Air Force football coach’s racial controversy, the problem with the new NHL, Grant Hill, The Rock, fantasy football, Michael Vick, the Detroit Lions and Lawrence Taylor…all in the latest ‘JQ.’

Greg Wyshynski
Columnist, SportsFanMagazine.com

Random thoughts on a random autumn day…

Grant Hill will miss 3-to-6 weeks with an injury.

In other news, there are still 24 hours in a day, and the moon remains in orbit around the Earth.

Hill needs surgery for something called a “sports hernia.” Why am I picturing a doctor asking me to turn my head, cough, and then run a 40-yard dash?

Something dawned on me the other day about the “new” NHL. I’ve watched more than a few games this season, and there’s just something…I don’t know…“hollow” about what I’ve seen.

Then it hit me:

The “new” NHL = The “Star Wars” prequels.

You watch, and you enjoy what you see. It looks like hockey, only the aesthetics are more pleasing and the rhythm has been sped up.

Yet you leave the game feeling as if you’ve witnessed something synthetic. There are flashes of passion, but no soul. You miss those character moments: a battle along the boards, or two guys throwing punches at center ice. You miss those moments when a single scoring chance could mean the difference between winning or losing, rather than knowing that the next power play is only moments away.

I’m hoping, as a fan, that whatever it is that’s leaving me feeling a little empty with this “new” NHL is remedied once we hit the postseason, which remains the single most grueling and enthralling playoff tournament in sports.

It’s not a disaster. The “new” NHL isn’t Jar-Jar Binks. It’s Natalie Portman – an accomplished pro who looks great and keeps our attention…but she ain’t no Princess Leia…

Player to watch in this weekend’s Bears/Lions game: Marcus Pollard.

Not because I expect him to do anything special, but mainly to see if Jeff Garcia will send more shots into a tight end than Joey Harrington did…

I saw “Doom” last weekend for one reason: the first-person, shoot’em up segment of the film that basically recreates the video game on the big screen. All you see is a rifle bobbing up and down at the bottom of the screen as the main character kills mutants and zombies and zombie mutants everywhere he turns. It’s really fun and different -- especially when he drops the gun in favor of a chainsaw and begins to battle what appears to be a cross between a boll weevil and a unicorn.

OK, I saw “Doom” for two reasons: all of the above, and to see The Rock, who continues to exude more charisma in awful movies than Kirsten Dunst does in good ones…

Do you ever wonder how many NFL players are aware of their fantasy value? I think it’s safe to assume many of them have fantasy teams, just like they have their own teams when they’re playing “Madden” in the locker room lounge or, more likely, in the back of their Hummer.

I’d love to know if Justin Green of the Baltimore Ravens has a fantasy team. Because according to Yahoo! Sports, Green’s fantasy value over the next four weeks is projected to be 0.06 points. That’s the lowest point total for a player not rated at 0.00. To put that in perspective, Danny Kanell, who isn’t even on an NFL roster at the moment, has a projected fantasy rating of 0.21 over the next four weeks.

Does Justin Green just tell all of his friends that he’s not listed among fantasy free agents, just to avoid the humility of them searching through 300 players to get to him?

Does he leave an anonymous note for Billick that reads, “Give Justin Green the rock so he can pass a guy who ain’t even in the league in the Yahoo! ratings?”

One more fantasy note: starting Michael Vick as your fantasy football quarterback is like trying to cover the table in a game of roulette. You’re going to break even, or lose a little, a hell of a lot more than you’re going to hit the jackpot…

Now, about this Fisher DeBerry controversy...

First off all, let’s recall what the Air Force football coach actually said, in reference to his program needing more minority players: “It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me they run extremely well.”

There are people coming out the woodwork to defend DeBerry and clear his good name, and rightfully so. I don’t think he’s a racist, but his comment sure as hell was. He’s seeing color, not ability. What his program needs are fast players; if they happen to be black, so be it.

What DeBerry is guilty of is taking coaches’ office chatter within earshot of the public. I’ve had coaches tell me their basketball teams are “too white.” I’ve had administrators tell me that they need to hire “an Afro-American coach” in order to control the “Afro-American players.” These weren’t comments for public consumption, but the kind of thing you hear in an interview once the tape recorder is flipped off. Some of these guys do see players in black and white, which is shame because they should really see them as good and bad.

The other issue in this DeBerry debacle is a little more sensitive. When the coach at Air Force talks about needing to recruit more “Afro-American” players because they are physically superior to other races, it conjures up images of military recruiters scouring poor neighborhoods for potential soldiers. The only difference is that the military academy coach sees color, while the military recruiters see class.

Is either case morally acceptable?

Finally, former NY Giant Lawrence Taylor has been pimping a new video game called “Blitz: The League,” which is a football game that features everything from steroid use to players sending hookers to their opponents’ hotel rooms.

If it sells well, word is that other developers are eager to use L.T.’s influence in their games. Let’s just say you shouldn’t be surprised when Mario asks Luigi for a clean urine sample because he was up all night smoking crack with Yoshii…

-SFM-

Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book “Glow Pucks & 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History” will be published in Spring 2006. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail. com.

 

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