“Guys,
hide this column”
By Ivette Ricco
Tony Pizza wrote on
9/21/06 in a column that appeared in the Daily Utah Chronicle.
“Since
most women don't know a thing about football, now would be a good time for any
of them to stop reading. Just about the closest a woman has come to speaking intelligently
about football was when that cute girl from the local newspaper commercials "acted"
like she knew what a 3-4 package was. Was it extremely attractive that she seemed
like she knew what she was talking about? Yes. Is that scenario likely? No. Not
even our enlightening local newspapers can bring that kind fantasy to fruition.”
Pizza
Man, them’s fighting words. Your “Guys, hide this column” is
so sad and oh so lame. So-called male fans like you, who don’t have the
cojones to be honest with their ladies are shrinking in numbers and in other ways
as well.
PM goes onto say.
"It's common knowledge
that women typically go to football games to randomly bump into friends they haven't
seen in ages and use their man's binoculars to look for people they know in the
stands. Once a woman finds that person they call them on the phone and take five
minutes to explain where they are sitting so they can exchange a wave among the
45,000 screaming fans."
He then adds….as an aside to the
other male morons on this planet.
"“Hopefully that was insulting
enough to give us guys a moment of alone time so we can discuss some ways to get
the most out of football season this fall.”"
He then proceeds
to continue to hang himself by his privates with these suggestions to the other
clueless males who don’t know how to enjoy women, women who may actually
understand and enjoy football.
Tips to maximize the amount of time you
can watch football in relative peace.
No. 1: Find the time to plan out all
the games you need to see this season. Organization is a must. Write down the
dates and times for these games and begin to plan how you are going to watch them
(the purpose for this will be explained later). Keep this list hidden with all
the Victoria's Secret catalogs you don't want your girlfriend, wife or mom to
find.
You hide Victoria’s Secret catalogs? I can almost see your
tail curling between your legs.
No. 2: Keep in mind the fact that
it is essential to keep Saturdays, Sundays and Monday nights as clutter-free as
possible. If you're married or in a relationship, do the dishes, mow the lawn,
paint the fence, send flowers on Friday; do whatever it takes to smooth over the
fact that Saturdays and Sundays are going to be a little busy this fall. ……
This
isn’t half bad for a half wit, except that this fool should conduct his
life like this at all times, not just in an effort to outwit his lady.
No.
3: If church, combined with your significant other, is keeping you from watching
football on Sundays, I suggest learning how to cook…..
I almost
thought he was going to give up religious beliefs just to pull the wool over his
sweetie’s eyes, instead he offers to learn how to cook. Gee that’s
exactly the reason I became a football fan, to get out of cooking on Sunday.
No. 4: Get your significant other involved in the game. Don't try to explain
the intricacies of a safety blitz or how a dropped screen pass can actually be
a fumble. These idiosyncrasies are like trying to explain calculus to a 5-year-old….
I
know a couple of five year olds who could run circles around you PM. Okay, put
‘em up, sauce-face; that is really stupid and condescending, even for you.
No. 5: Buy a calendar that doesn't have half-naked ladies, cherry-red Corvettes
or anything to do with sports on it. Hang this calendar on the fridge or near
the bathroom sink where your significant other gets ready in the morning. Pull
out your list from your secret hiding spot and mark the dates and times of the
games you absolutely can't miss…
Boy talk about covering your
skinny little ass.
No. 6: Give the illusion that you want to watch
games that you actually have no intention of watching….
What a
pile of male-chauvinist horseshit.
No. 7: Any good coach doesn't want
his playbook getting in the hands of his opponent. Make sure your significant
other does not get ahold of this column. Cut it out and use it as a reference,
but hide it with the previously mentioned catalogues. If your significant other
reads up to this point, then you're going to have to get really creative…
I
hope every single woman you ever want to sleep with has this little article taped
to her groin.
To any other woman who has read up to this point, I want
you to know that you're a good sport, and I know some guys out there who are dying
to meet a lady who can take a joke.
Sure we can take a joke. But unfortunately
for you, we prefer guys who don’t have their head firmly lodged in their
lower intestine.
Ladies. Want to give the Pizza Man a piece of your
mind?
Click here to read the article.
Guys, hide this column
Send your comments to his editor at:
letters@chronicle.utah.edu
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