A Girl with a Pen: Are these sports headlines for real?

By Tami Kamin-Meyer

It’s not April Fool’s, but some of the headlines in today’s sports sections seemed like outrageous jokes, just the same. Check out these headlines published in various news outlets today to see just how wacky the wide world of sports really is.

From the Columbus Dispatch, Monday, October 02, 2006: “Cleveland pitches shutout against Oakland in second half”. WHAT? Anyone familiar with the Cleveland Browns and their overall dismal history knows that when teams play the Brownies, they’re almost guaranteed a ‘W.’ WHAT? The Browns earned their first win of the season by overcoming an 18-point deficit in one of the NFL’s toughest road environments? (Yes, that actually happened).

From that venerable sports newspaper, The New York Times, Monday, October 02, 2006: “ Cowboys 45, Titans 14: In a Quiet Return, Owens Helps Cowboys Rout Titans”.
Did I read that right? Terrell Owens was quiet? Maybe he hasn’t quite recovered from his Indian-Giver Suicide Attempt last week, but when was the last time T.O. has been referred to as ‘quiet’?

ESPN.Com reported the following: “Ricky Williams injures heel on locker-room door.” It seems that following the Saturday game Williams’s Toronto Argonauts won against the Calgary Stampeders, the running back suffered what the Toronto Star called a “freak locker-room incident.” The story reported Williams suffered a serious gash on his left heel when a locker door “slammed behind him.” How does that happen, anyway? Was he getting stuffed inside the locker?

This injury came in only the second game Williams has played since recovering from the broken arm he suffered earlier in the season. Looks like the one-year suspension the NFL’s Miami Dolphins imposed on him this season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy is being spent primarily in ER. Around a medicine cabinet. Where drugs are kept. That he is supposed to steer clear of. Because he’s already under suspension. For drugs.

And this from today’s Miami Herald: “Woman hit by falling concrete.” No, it was not a re-enactment of “The Sky is falling,” when a piece of concrete fell from an upper deck at Dolphin Stadium Sunday afternoon as the Philadelphia Phillies wrapped up the season against the Florida Marlins. According to the article, while the unnamed victim was being treated in her seat, she continued to keep score in the game. Couldn’t have been too difficult since the Marlins won the game 3-2, in the 11 th inning.

Tami Kamin-Meyer is an attorney and writer who refers to herself simply as “A Girl with a Pen.”

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