Femmefan Exclusive Interview with Shannon O’Toole, author of, “Wedded to The Game, The Real Lives of NFL Women”.

By Ivette Ricco

 

I have known Shannon O’Toole for approximately 6 years.
I met Shannon as I was cruising the Oakland Raiders parking lot in September of 2000 gathering material for a story on the Raiders fans and their image. Shannon was manning a table on behalf of the Biletnikoff Foundation and I stopped to talk to her about my website and the story I was working on.
Shannon took my card and I continued on my merry way.
I was both surprised and delighted to get an email from Shannon and we soon discovered we shared some of the same ideas and goals.

Shannon O’Toole has written for www.Femmefan.com and her articles have always been written with honesty and integrity. Shannon’s book, Wedded To The Game, The Real Lives of NFL Women, is further evidence of that honesty and integrity.

I spoke with Shannon from her mother’s home in Michigan , via telephone on Friday, February 24 th. Shannon and her husband, John Morton are preparing for a move to New Orleans as this NFL family relocates, yet again.

 

Ivette:
I really enjoyed the parts that were obviously taken from your real life experiences. Do you plan on writing anything more personal, perhaps a fictionalized story of the NFL and the women whose lives are changed forever?

Shannon:
I might write another book but it would be non-fiction. The current fictional books about pro sports life are too sensationalized and they uphold the stereotypes. With an academic background in sport sociology, my goal was to approach this topic from a study/research perspective.

Ivette:
I don’t know the how stats for failed marriages in the NFL compare to the stats for all American marriages, but do you feel that these marriages tend to be more traditional or less traditional than most?

Shannon:
Good question. When I was researching my book, I did not find any of these statistics. Despite what the media would have us believe, I would assume that the divorce rates for football and non-football relationships are similar.

Regarding your second questions, on the surface, one would think that football relationships are more traditional but when you talk to these women and really get into their lives, their roles are really non-traditional. Particularly, the coaches’ wives handle absolutely everything. They make financial investments, handle the real estate transactions and moving arrangements, do the landscaping, take the car for oil changes, and lug the furniture up the stairs of freshmen dormitory. There is also a new breed of players’ wives/girlfriends. They are young, 22-25 years old, highly educated and driven. They seem to feel validated by taking on the role of manager and they are much more involved in the careers of their men.

Stars like John Elway who are married for years and when they finally retire get divorced make me a little crazy. Do the women leave them or do they leave the women?

Can the women ever recover the years they spent as the mother and father in the relationship?

Shannon:
When pro sport marriages break up a lot of people mistakenly blame the woman. They think, “Oh, see, she never really loved him. She was just in it for the money and the fame. Now that it’s gone, so is she.” When in fact, according to my research and the women in my book, the breakup of marriages in retirement has more to do with the man’s issues than the woman’s, in particular, his loss of identity. He has been idolized as a football star virtually his entire life. He has been taken care of and catered to. These things stop, or at least they lessen a lot in retirement, and some guys can’t handle it. Many don’t deal with it very well and they look for ways to make up for the lack of attention. They may find that in a younger woman who is still in awe of his image and puts him back on the pedestal. His issues can be more of a problem and a cause of break-ups than hers.

For coaches’ wives, on of the biggest adjustment in retirement is having him home a lot more. These women are used to doing things, virtually everything on their own. When retirement comes and they have to share their lives with another person, it can be hard. Barbara Flores, married to former Raiders coach Tom Flores, said that it took a while to learn these new rules. Tom used to drive Barbara around town on her errands. He called it, “Driving Miss Barbara.” That was a good way for them to reacquaint and get to know each other again.

Ivette:
We can understand the players allure for playing but what drives men into coaching and into living a life of stress and big highs and low lows?

Shannon:
You’ll have to ask one of those maniacs!

It’s the closest thing to playing, is what John might say. On game day, the screaming of 60,000 fans, the huge highs and the adrenaline rush are incomparable. And knowing that you played a part in the win after all your hard work is an incredible feeling.

Ivette:
Do you think that there are enough NFL women who will challenge the status quo and demand the NFL acknowledge and assist them?

Shannon:
I think that has been going on at the grass roots level and women are doing things on their own. The challenge is to do it league-wide. I have high hopes that my book will spark this to happen. As I often say, these women are among the most, “poised, confident and self-reliant” group of people I know. They deserve to be recognized for their unique contributions to their partners’ career and the NFL.

Ivette:
I read recently of an NFL player who started a school for NFL kids. His motivation was the kids’ lack of continuity and a “spiritual” teaching.

I sense that the majority of men and women are very religious. The word “blessing” is used throughout your book and I’ve heard that used very often by men and women in the NFL.

Do you think that religion came first or did the NFL come first and religion followed?

Shannon:
Good questions. I don’t know the answer. I was not able to focus as much as I wanted to on the religious aspect in pro sports, but it is something that I am interested in exploring more. In people’s minds, there seem to be two groups within the NFL, the bible belters and the gang bangers. I don’t know how these labels came about and how NFL players came to be so polarized and why there don’t seem to be any guys in the middle. It is definitely something that needs further analysis.

Ivette:
If you and John weren’t immersed in the NFL, and had he not returned to NFL coaching this season, what path might you and John have followed?

Shannon:
Jeez, I don’t know. When I brought up the possibility of a non-football job to him this past season, he wouldn’t even consider it. He says that he was born to coach. And I believe him. If he wasn’t coaching in the NFL, he would probably be involved in some way with fitness and youth mentoring and coaching.

For me, there are many things I want to do in life and the writing of this book was one of them! Right now, though, I realize that I have the most important (and difficult!) job in the world, which is the raising of our daughter. When we decided to have her, John and I both said that our first priority is to her – her happiness, her education, ensuring that she picks up our values and morals, and making sure that she lives up to her name. Particularly considering all the hours John works, I feel very blessed (there is that word again!) that I am financially able to stay home and be with our daughter and teach her about the important things in life.

Ivette:
You are getting ready to make yet another move because of John’s NFL career.

Is there a point where you say, enough already? Or is the commitment to John and his dreams the driving force in the relationship?

Shannon:
No, the commitment to John and his dreams is not the driving force. The driving force is the happiness of our family and the upbringing of our daughter. Right now, I think she will thrive in this transient lifestyle. She loves new experiences, she is outgoing and confident and adventurous. However, if that changes, and in the future the moves affect her negatively, we would reassess the lifestyle. This past season away from the NFL has taught us that family and health are the two most important things in our lives. We know now that our family is the ultimate team.

Ivette:
Do you see yourself spending the next 20 years as an NFL woman? If so why?
If not, why not?

Shannon:
Oh my gosh, I don’t even want to think 5-10 years out! I just survive season by season. And I think the other NFL women I know, even with all their strength and toughness, feel the same way.

 

To order a copy of Wedded to The Game:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0803286252/ref=sib_dp_pt/002-1043100-7891229#reader-link

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